The initial reaction to finding out that once made has been untrue is shock. Even if the client has had suspicions for a period that their mate has been fooling around, the actual knowledge of confirmation of infidelity is still shocking. The initial shock has a way of causing a perceptual disturbance. Suddenly the spouse or mate seems to actually look different as if the client is seeing him or her for the first time. The person now seems empty of all the qualities the client attached to him or her. Very rapidly a client concludes that their life as they know it is over. They then gather all the details as to the various components that are over. In other words, they attach an Armageddon philosophy to every aspect of the relationship. Again as I have mentioned in previous posts this initial reaction is hardly abnormal. However, when the anxiety persists and significantly interferes with the client’s daily functioning then awfulizing and low frustration tolerance tend to predominate. Behaviors associated with awfulizing may involve hyper-vigilance to potential infractions of one’s mate in an effort to regain a sense of control, continual rumination about the violation, poor sleep, and relapse of substance abuse, among others. As with all forms of anxiety and related awfulizing the inherent message is that the client has no control over anything and that the experience of the Activating Event or Adversity is a hundred percent bad. As a therapist of course you’re not going to say that the infidelity is good. The act is not good. In order to reduce awfulizing, it is important to remind the client that throwing out the baby with the bathwater is not useful nor necessary and certainly does not lead to a sense of emotional control.
The reduction of awfulizing is essential for the client to regain a problem solving approach to the infidelity. The ultimate problem to be solved or question to be answered by the client is whether the relationship with his or her mate is to continue. Whether or not the client has made this decision before entering your office it is incumbent that they challenge awfulizing cognitions. It also is important to investigate low frustration tolerance connected to awfulizing. Awfulizing leads to anxiety and often clients will engage in low frustration tolerance about the feeling of anxiety which only makes anxiety worse but also tends to cause the client to feel angry toward his or her mate. The sense of anger, while initially somewhat satisfying, serves to increase a client’s sense of lack of control, thereby, increasing anxiety and corollary awfulizing. Empirical disputing I find to be very helpful in reining in Awfulization because, as mentioned before, clients tend to awfulize about every aspect of his or her life with their mate. So my method in reining Awfulization and is to address various things that the client is awfulizing about with an empirical dispute. Once the client is able to reduce awulizing you can begin to engage in some problem solving. In doing so, you are providing clients with a sense of control and helping them to write the boat of their emotional world. My next post will address awulization stemming from the demand for love and approval or Ego Anxiety.
Posted on November 15, 2011
0